It’s been over a week doing the FIAT90, a 90 Day Novena Based on Marian Devotion and Virtue. And this first week hasn’t been easy. Getting into a routine takes time, and I am finally starting to feel more at peace with my Disciplines and Practices.
As mentioned in blogs 1 and 2, I do better with structure. Don’t get me wrong, I love breaking my routines — in fact, I do it all the time, and a lot of awesomeness comes out of it. However, staying too long in the chaos can leave me stagnant, and it might sound odd, but I get comfortable and feel like I am not experiencing anything fulfilling.
I thought that since it’s been 9 days, I would begin reflecting on my experience, the challenges, and how I bounced back…or didn’t.
Day 1 FIAT90 – My BAD, I BAD, 🙁
Day 1 of FIAT90 was a bit cray-cray, to say the least. The text message to join with the LA/SGV Search Core Team was on December 31. And as I mentioned, I like chaos, so I said yes, not knowing everything that it entailed. My boyfriend is also doing Exodus90, and so I thought that “mirroring” what he’s doing might be good for us as individuals, but perhaps even for our relationship. I just said no cold showers, given that the weather this winter is below normal temperatures. Maybe next time, I’ll be able to devote myself entirely, but I’m highly attached to this 1st world luxury.
I woke up around mid-day on January 1 with a bit of a hangover. I know, I know…that’s not how Catholics drink…temperance…enjoy your drink slowly. I didn’t get to the point where I couldn’t control myself, but still…I sinned.
January 1, 2024, was not technically a Holy Day of Obligation, but I totally felt bad skipping out on Mass, and so did my boyfriend. That evening we found a mass online and honored the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. It was nice to watch Mass together. We had been to church together, but there was something very nice about participating in Holy Mass online with him, too. I printed the FIAT90 booklet that evening and figured I would recite a Rosary and call it a night.
Day 2 FIAT90 – Organizing Myself
Dun, dun, dun! I totally got this FIAT90 thing wrong. I woke up and started to read the booklet, which I printed the wrong way, so I struggled to figure it out. Then I read through the website and Googled what a Marian Novena is. I realized that I had recited the Rosary in a non-Marion Devotion way. I mean, it has the foundations of a day-to-day Rosary, but there are some additions. So I took a look at what the FIAT90 Booklet said and started to say the words, but something felt off.
I decided to look up how to pray the 54-day Marian Novena and the Hallow App blog had a good explanation. I downloaded the app since they have a calendar reminder and some explanations, but they charge $7.99 on a monthly basis. If I had the means to purchase the app, I totally would, but right now, I am not doing well financially. So I decided to look at what the FIAT90 pamphlet said. What I didn’t realize was that I was supposed to rehearse certain pieces together and others only at certain times, the print is also small, and it was missing the end pieces of the Rosary. If you sign up for FIAT90, however, they did email a PDF of the end of the Rosary. The booklet and email gave me what I needed, but I also needed to make the font a little bigger and put it all together since I get all jumbled and forget where I put things, and I get confused when I have to look at different papers for things.
I prayed about it and spent the day creating a personalized FIAT90 workbook. I pulled the language from the booklet and prayed on the Disciplines and Practices I would focus on for the next 90 days. Then I added a calendar and a to-do list. Since a lot is repetitive, I added Mon-Sun so I could circle or check off what I did throughout the week. Then I added a calendar. I haven’t used it so far, but I felt compelled to add it at the moment. Finally, I added the Mysteries and an area to write the recital dates. Below are what my To-Do and Joyful Mysteries pages look like.
Once I completed the workbook, I rehearsed both Day 1 and Day 2 Mysteries. And ate a lot since Day 3 was going to be a “fast” day.
Day 3 FIAT90 – Fasting
I woke up early and caught up with my Bible in a Year and Catechism in a Year. I wanted to do Catechism in a Year in 2023 but decided it was a lot since this was my first time participating in Bible in a Year, and I wanted to understand the context/references/Word of God a little better. I learned so much that I decided to do it again this year. Last year I was taking a lot of notes. This year, I am not taking as many notes but writing down reflection questions and prompts. I also really want to learn more about the Catholic faith and look forward to completing my first Catechism in a Year this year :). This is not a part of my FIAT90, but thought I would mention this since they are great resources for faith formation.
Fasting is a part of the FIAT90. What is challenging about this is not the “not eating” part. I can do a day without eating. It’s the fact that it was my brother’s birthday, and it’s rare when I celebrate the big day with him. The good thing is he decided he wanted seafood. However, I committed myself to the two days of fasting and no meat.
Since it was his birthday, I did have the fish for dinner. I know that fish is “not” considered meat in our Catholic faith, but technically fish is meat. I want to be better and not eat fish on the two days that I committed myself to. So, at that moment, I prayed and came to the conclusion that no meat means no meat, including fish. Except…if you scroll down to Day 5, you’ll realize that I totally dipped 🙁
Day 4 FIAT90 – Confession & Adoration
On Day 4, I did my Catechism In a Year, Bible in a Year, started doing the daily readings and reflection through the Ascension App (which is free), and in the evening, I went to Confession, which also happens to be the time of Adoration at St. Joseph’s in Selma, CA.
Adoration in Selma is one of the best. They have a beautiful display of the Eucharist. They keep the lights dimmed, and if you go there at 7 PM, they have the most beautiful music. When I got there, I stayed in the front pew and thanked God for 2023 and for what’s to come in 2024. I had my usual conversation with Jesus, and then the Spanish Rosary began.
I followed along with the elders. The singing and rejoicing made me so happy. I was ready to confess.
Confession, to me, is no joke. It took me 15 years — yes, more than a decade to get to confession and two more years for me to fully reconcile with God. So, I don’t take confession lightly. As I mentioned in blog 1 or 2, I drank too much on New Year’s Eve. I also confessed that I hate that my pride and ego make it really hard for me to get the help that I need, especially right now that I am struggling financially. Then the priest was like, is that all? I said yes. Then he gave me my penance, blessed me, and I went back to the pews.
I did my penance, but as I was staring at the Holy Eucharist, I couldn’t help but feel off. I prayed and realized that I didn’t feel more loved, humbled, or rebuked. I felt kind of like blah. I felt like my confession did not mean anything. It reminded me of the time I was 15 years old, and I listed some sins, but I didn’t feel any different and wondered if God wanted something else. So next week, I plan to go to another parish called Holy Family in Kingsburg, CA, where the confessor had offered me some spiritual advice. I am hoping to understand how to do a thorough Examination of Consciousness and understand confession on a regular basis as opposed to skipping years or doing it on a quarterly basis as I did last year.
Day 5 FIAT90 – Fasting & Cooking
On my brother’s birthday, he wasn’t clear on what kind of fish he wanted, so my mother bought two types. She loves to spoil us. He happened to want the one that we didn’t cook for his birthday – wonk, wonk, wonk. So our mom asked me to cook the fish. I defrosted the fish overnight, and it didn’t completely defrost until midday. By this point, I had not eaten anything, and I was feeling good. There were no problems until…
I brought out the ingredients to marinate the fish – cumin, salt, pepper, cloves, and garlic. I ground the ingredients in a molcajete, mortar, and pestle. As I was grinding the ingredients, the incredible smells mixed together made my mouth water. I wanted to turn away but couldn’t — I needed to finish so the flavors could penetrate the fish and I could cook it on time. Little did I know that despite washing my hands with lots of soap and lemon, the smell would torture me for the rest of the afternoon.
So, as I mentioned on Day 3, I told myself I would not eat fish or any other meats on the days of fasting, but yeah…I failed. It was just not going to happen on Friday. I am praying to have the strength and the stamina not to eat fish or any other meats on my days of fasting (Wednesdays and Fridays) for the rest of the 90 days, but the struggle has been real.
Day 6 FIAT90 – Television, Media, Etc.
I have a problem. It was a super lazy Saturday. I slept in until mid-day-ish, and stayed in my PJs all day. I came out of my room for breakfast and had a huge breakfast, but other than that, I just lounged — watching TV :(. I did do my CIY, BIY, Daily Prayer and Reflection, and the Joyful Mysteries. However, I have no self-control. I watched “My Demon.” It’s a Korean soap opera about a woman who marries a demon and who possesses the powers of the demon, and he becomes more human-like in the process. I don’t know why, but I like these odd-ball shows.
The problem with these kinds of shows is that if we are weak in our faith, we can think that demons can, in fact, become “good,” and we don’t want people trying to tamper with demons. Demons are essentially fallen angels who have rebelled against God, which means, at one point, they were good…at least, that’s what I thought I learned. I wonder, could demons turn back to their good selves? Perhaps that’s a question that only God can answer. But I am curious to learn what the Catholic Doctrine says about this subject.
The last episode I watched was really interesting because it showed that this demon was actually human in his previous life. They do mix Eastern beliefs around reincarnation, something that I know I don’t believe in, and the Catholic Catechism states we do not believe in. We also know that Angels are not humans and that humans do not “earn their wings.” We are completely different beings, and Angels were specifically created to guide humans. There is a wonderful explanation by Fr. Ripperger on Guardian Angels on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube Channel. Therefore Demons, having been Angels, cannot be humans. So, this series clearly takes a lot of liberties.
Back to the show…when the demon was human, he was from a noble family, and he fell in love with the courtesan. He began to read Western teachings, including the Bible. He and the courtesan converted to Catholicism after reading that they were considered equals in God’s eyes. Long story short, he has to leave to do some state exams, and in the meantime, the army is tearing up villages with large Catholic followings. Hearing this, the community decides to use the courtesan as a scapegoat and kill her. He gets there too late and vows that if Heaven is where God is, then he would rather be in hell; he kills everyone on site and becomes a demon.
So, I’m not using this as an excuse or trying to make the case that this is not secular TV because — it is, and I am wrong in binging this show, especially since I said that I would limit watching or listening to any secular media. But I thought it was interesting and that I would share. Plus, I have all these questions, and I like it when I have questions — it makes me more active. Since I cheated, I will limit my intake to 2 hours of TV and media a week (with the exception of The Chosen and Cabrini)
Day 7 FIAT90 – Mass
Despite binging television the day prior, I went to bed around 10:30 pm on Saturday and woke up at 9:00 am the next day. I decided to look for an 11 am mass in English since I knew that the 11 am mass in Selma was in Spanish. I found an 11 am mass in English at St. Lucy in Fowler. The church is so cute! The priest is also very insightful and peaceful. I like that the church doesn’t have music, and everyone recites the hymns. It reminds me of daily mass, and I like daily mass.
I went back to the house, ate with the family, did BIY and CIY, and worked on a couple of emails and data entries for my ministry. It was a pretty relaxing day.
Day 8 FIAT90 – Waking Up
Despite it being a week of FIAT90, I can’t help pressing the snooze button on my alarm. I press it, but at the moment, I forget that I have committed myself to waking up at the first alarm. I think I’ll be switching the tone. It might not be obnoxious enough for me to wake up.
Day 9 FIAT90 – Why am I still doing this?
I made a commitment to follow these disciplines, so I am not backing down. I’m not hard-pressed to be perfect. What I want to do is to develop a lifestyle that is more aligned with Marian virtues: purity, prudence, humility, faith, devotion, obedience, poverty, patience, mercy, and sorrow for sin. I could never be as pure as Mary, and God knows I have soooo much I have to work on. But I want to change my lifestyle because I want to show God that I respect Him and the life He gave me. If I can’t do it today, then maybe, God willing, the next.